The Alias Hillbillies
by daria22075
Summary: Sydney is sent on several missions, all of which aren't nearly as difficult as being surrounded by a bunch of idiots. Take a few minutes and enjoy a refreshing dose of humor with your favorite Alias characters!
1. Default Chapter

pt.1  
My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years..or was it six? Anyways I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6 and sworn to secrecy but I couldn't keep it from my fiance uh..what's his name. The head of SD-6 had him killed. That's when I found out the truth. SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I had been working for the very people I thought I had been fighting against. So I went to the only place that could help me take them down. No! Not Burger King Danny! Shut up! I'm trying to talk. Now I'm a double agent for the..FBI...LAPD..CIA, oh I don't know. There's too many damn initials to remember. My handler is a man named Michael Vaughn whose very hot, and sweet, and masculine. Well...maybe not masculine. I've never actually seen him fight or do anything remotely physical. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do. Another double agent inside SD-6, someone I hardly know, my father.  
  
(inside the conference room at SD-6)  
Sloane: Okay everyone. Let's make this quick. There's some dude over in France or Ireland, one of those foreign countries. I want his bank account number. I have a tennis match in 5 minutes so see ya later.  
(leaves and then walks back in)  
Sloane: Do you think my tennis skirt is too short?  
Jack: No. Not at all.  
Sloane: It doesn't make my thighs look too big?  
Jack: No. It compliments you nicely.  
Sydney: So who exactly is this guy?  
Sloane: What guy? Are you a double agent?!?  
Sydney: No! I was refering to the guy whose bank account numbers you want.  
Sloane: Like I know. Peace out.  
(Sydney and Jack are left alone inside the conference room)  
Sydney: So what do you think?  
Jack: I'll probably get a pizza for lunch.  
Sydney: No. About my mission.  
Jack: Oh, what mission? I wasn't listening. Hey, you know that friend of yours..uh..Francie. Is she seeing anyone?  
Sydney: No. Why?  
Jack: I thought she might like to get a little take out with me, maybe go dancing.  
Sydney: Oh God Dad! Your sick!  
Jack: What? I'm a man. I have needs.  
(Sydney gives him a dirty look and then walks out)  
  
(Inside the "secret" warehouse)  
Vaughn: This little box will allow you to take photos of the bank numbers for the CIA. It comes in a variety of colors too. So just let me know what shoes your planning on wearing so we can color coordinate!  
Sydney: Thanks, I guess. Will SD-6 be able to track the radio frequency signals given off from the camera? Or is it a silent transmitter whose signals are undetectable?  
Vaughn:(has a blank look on his face) Hey, the CIA gave me a real gun today instead of that fake one they made me carry. (twirls gun around his finger and accidently shoots a light out) Ah cool! They gave me bullets too!  
Sydney: I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of work to do.  
Vaughn: Cool. Me too. I have to re-load tetris on my computer.  
  
(Sydney approaches a bank in Florence, Italy)  
Sydney: Hello? I need to check my safety deposit box.  
Bank Teller #1: Excuse me?  
Sydney: My name is Mrs. Smith.  
Bank Teller #1: Will you please come into the building rather than standing outside in the drive-thru lane.  
(Sydney walks into the building)  
Bank Teller #2: (greets Sydney but in Italian)  
Sydney: Huh?  
Bank Teller #2: (repeats herself)  
Sydney: Um...(talks into microphone) I'm going to have to abort the mission.  
Dixon: Why?  
Sydney: This chick is speaking Russian or something.  
Dixon: Just walk to the back where the safety deposit boxes are located.  
Sydney: Won't the bank teller try to jump me?  
Dixon: She's a 300 lb 40 yr old woman. So unless you have a twinkie I think she'll leave you alone.  
Sydney: (walks back)(starts kicking the boxes)  
Dixon: Pull the handle.  
Sydney: (pulls the handle and opens the box) How'd you get so smart Dixon?  
Dixon: From experience. But I guess that accounts for nothing. After all, I've been here for 20 years and without a promotion. Then they hire you. Some 20 year old who doesn't even know how to turn on a t.v. Sloan gives you a nice office, big paycheck, and what do I get? I get stuck in a van while you get to go out into the field and work.  
Sydney: What was that? My ear piece shorted out.  
Dixon: Oh, I said you looked beautiful.  
Sydney: Thank you. I got the numbers.  
  
pt.2  
(Sydney enters her apartment)  
Francie: Hey girlfirend. What have you been up too?  
Sydney: Just some banking stuff.  
Francie: So I went to the store today and they were out of that volumizing shampoo I use. So I went to three other stores and couldn't find it. Then I decided to go to lunch and I bumped into some guy who looked just like Mike Tyson but with George Clooney eyebrows. So I sat down and I ordered the pasta salad and the pasta was so hard I thought I was gonna break a tooth on it. Then I went to the video store...  
Sydney: Do you ever shut up!?! And, by the way, how did you get into my apartment?  
Francie: I had a key made. So, at the video store I got the last copy of..  
Will:(walks through the door) Hey guys!  
Sydney: Hi Will.  
Will: (stares at Sydney)  
Sydney: What?  
Will: I was just thinking of how beautiful you are. Like a delicate rose.  
Sydney: Thanks but I have a huge zit in my forehead that luckily my foundation covered up. So how are things going with that one guy?  
Will: What guy?  
sydney: That guy you were seeing.  
Will: I don't date guys Sydney. I date girls.  
Sydney: Yeah, okay.  
  
(at the warehouse)  
Vaughn: How did things go?  
Sydny: Good. Those boxes can be confusing though.  
Vaughn: Here's your dad's file.  
Sydney: What? How did you? I mean..thank you.  
Vaughn: No problem.  
Sydney: (looks it over) This isn't his file.  
Vaughn: Of course it is.  
Sydney: No, it isn't. It's a piece of notebook paper with Jack Bristow written at the top and a big smiley face drawn where his picture would be.  
Vaughn: Yeah I know. I couldn't get your dad's file, so I did the next best thing. (smiles)  
Sydney: Just to let you know, Jack is spelled with only one k.  
Vaughn: You know. I'm your handler. Your not suppose to patronize me. I'm suppose to tell you what to do.  
Sydney: Sorry. Where did you learn the word patronize?  
Vaughn: It was on my word of the day calendar. Oh, did you finally open the Christmas gift I gave you?  
Sydney: Yeah. Thank you for the poster of Spiderman.  
Vaughn: (smiles) No problem. I thought you'd like it. I have the same one in my office.  
Sydney: Well..I better go.  
  
(in the conference room)  
Sloane: I have just been informed that there's a mole inside SD-6.  
Jack: What are you going to do?  
Sloane: I'm gonna hire an exterminator.I just don't know which one to call.  
Jack: No. I think they were refering to a mole as someone possibly working as a double agent inside SD-6.  
Sloane: If a mole isn't an animal, then why does my lunch keep disappearing?  
Jack: (slouches down in his chair)  
Sloane: Ok. Now how do I go about finding a mole? (sits, thinking) Oh! I could give everyone an ink block test.  
Jack: How would that work?  
Sloane: I don't know. I've just always wanted to give one.  
Dixon: I think you should call Carl Dryer. He's the best person to use when finding a mole.  
Sloane: I think I can handle it. Hmm...what could I do? (sits, thinking some more) Maybe you'd better give me that number. (Dixon hands him a card) 1-800-BABE?  
Dixon: Oops. Sorry. Wrong card. (hands him a different card)  
Sloane: Sydney, you've been awfully quite. Are you constipated or something?  
Sydney: No, I was just thinking about what my next mission would be.  
Sloane: Have you ever seen the movie Mission Impossible?  
Sydney: Yes.  
Sloane: Some people say I look like Tom Cruise.  
  
pt.3  
(Sydney's apartment. Her, Will, and Francie are playing scrabble.)  
Francie: It. 3 points.  
Will: Good job! Ok. Let's see here, if!  
Sydney: Ok. That's 1 point. Hmm...hypocritical. 8 points!  
Francie: That's not a word!  
Will: She's right. That's an animal.  
Sydney: Huh?  
Will: Yeah, you know. It's big. Sometimes goes by the name hippo!?!  
Sydney: That's a hippopotamus!  
Francie: Then what kind of animal is a hypocrite?  
Will: Maybe it's a cross between a hippo and a cricket!  
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Can we move on?  
Francie: Fine but hypocrite is not a word! (puts down tiles) 6 points.  
Sydney: Candy is not spelled C-A-N-D-A-Y.  
Will. I thought the whole point of this game was to spell actual words or are we suppose to make em up now like you are!?!  
  
(at the warehouse)  
Sydney: Sloan suspects a mole inside SD-6.  
Vaughn: Is he gonna get an exterminator?  
Sydney: A mole? As in a double agent?  
Vaughn: I wonder if there's such a thing as a triple agent!  
Sydney: (rolls her eyes) Sloan is going to hire Carl Dryer to find the mole. What tactics do you think he'll take?  
Vaughn: How should I know?  
Sydney: My dad told me it's likely he'll give a functional imaging lie detector test.  
Vaughn: Good luck passing that!  
Sydney: Can you train me on how to pass it?  
Vaughn: Duh!?! When they ask you a question just lie. Do I have to figure out everything for you?  
  
(Jack and Sloane are alone in the conference room)  
Sloane: There's an ancient clock SD-6 would like to get its hands on.  
Jack: A clock?  
Sloane: That's what I said! I told the big bosses that the office is already equipped with more than enough clocks. Mine even has one of those alarms on it!  
Jack: Are you going to send Sydney on the mission?  
Sloane: Of course. She's the only one we ever send on missions. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the salon. Later!  
  
(Sydney's apartment)  
Will: I hate to bring this up, but have you ever wondered about why Danny died?  
Sydney: He was killed. That's the end of it!  
Will: I found out some information. He was scheduled to leave on a flight that night with a woman named Kate Jones.  
Sydney: So....?  
Will: Well, I was wondering if you had her number. Obviously Danny had good taste in women so she must be a knockout. (telephone rings)  
Francie: (answered the phone) Hello?  
Telephone: Joey's pizza.  
Francie: Hey. I'd like a large, no..wait, make that an extra large pepperoni pizza with sausage and bacon but with low-fat cheese. Hello? That's wierd.  
  
pt.4  
(Warehouse, Sydney is waiting to be hooked up to the lie detector test)  
Sydney: Can we start?  
Vaughn: Yeah.  
Sydney: So you read the manuals on how this test works?  
Vaughn: I don't need any manuals. How hard can it be. (starts putting electrodes on)  
Sydney: Those are suppose to go on MY head.  
Vaughn: Oh..(takes them off and hands them to Sydney) Now where's the on switch. (looks around)  
Sydney: (points) Right there.  
Vaughn: Ugh! Would you mind pushing it. It's really dirty lookin. (she pushes the button) Thanks!  
Sydney: Well...?  
Vaughn: Well what?  
Sydney: Are you going to ask me questions?  
Vaughn: Sure. Um.....do you think I should get bangs?  
Sydney: Your suppose to ask me questions that Carl Dryer might ask.  
Vaughn: Geez! You don't have to be so mean.  
Sydney: Sorry. I'm just really nervous.  
Vaughn: Ok. Are you a triple agent?  
Sydney: Double!  
Vaughn: Right. Are you a double agent?  
Sydney: No.  
Vaughn: (starts laughing)  
Sydney: What is it? Did I stay below 30?  
Vaughn: Hehehe. You got a 69. Hehehe. 69.  
Sydney: (stares at him)  
Vaughn: Are you, uh, romantically interested in anyone?  
Sydney: (looks at him)  
Vaughn: It could be a question!  
Sydney: No.  
Vaughn: Do you prefer chocolate syrup or whip cream?  
Sydney: (looks at him)  
Vaughn: It could be a question!  
Sydney: If this were for real, I'd be dead. Wouldn't I?  
Vaughn: Your just starting, but yeah. You'd be dead.  
  
(inside the conference room)  
Sloane: Sydney, your new mission is to rescue the book that goes along with the clock.  
Sydney: What about getting the clock?  
Sloane: I'm just gonna by one from Wal-Mart. They'll never know the difference. Oh, you need to take a pregnancy test before you leave  
Sydney: What!?!  
Jack: I think he means you need to take the lie detector test.  
Sloane: Yeah, whatever. Oh, be careful of Carl though. He kept trying to cop-a-feel on me this morning when I took it.  
Jack: Why would you have to take the lie detector test? You're the head of SD-6.  
Sloane: Carl said I had to.  
Jack: Well, he was lying.  
Sloane: You mean, he took advantage of me?  
Jack: I don't know if I would call it that, but...  
Sloane: Oh well. He's not my type anyways. He's a little pale looking, don't ya think?  
  
(Sydney's apartment)  
Francie: I can't believe you have to go out of town again!  
Sydney: I'll only be gone a few days.  
Francie: I don't care that your going but do you think this time you could remember to bring me back a souvenior!?!  
Sydney: How about after I get back, we go shopping for a wedding dress?  
Francie: No! I'm not getting a dress until I lose some weight. Besides, I wanna shop around for the cake first. You know that they give you free samples, all you can eat! And then we'll need to shop around for a caterer too!  
  
pt.5  
(blood bank mobile)  
Sydney: I think I failed the lie detector test.  
Vaughn: Oh no! If they find out your a double agent, are they gonna kill me too!?!  
Sydney: No.  
Vaughn: Whew! You had be worried there for a sec.   
Sydney: I have to go on another mission with Dixon.  
Vaughn: How come they never give you a girl to go with? Especially if you have to find something buried in a mud pit. Then the two of you would have to strip down into tiny bathing suits and get all muddy........Anyways, here's this. (hands her a big walkie-talkie)  
Sydney: What's this?  
Vaughn: (scratches head) I don't know. I guess the CIA wanted you to be prepared so that if you ever lost your remote control you wouldn't have to get up and walk to the t.v. to change channels. You could just grap your extra remote!  
Sydney: I think it's a walkie-talkie.  
Vaughn: You don't know how the CIA works at all, do you?  
  
(Dixon and Sydney are in the jungle, they just discovered the big hole where the book is located.)  
Sydney: Are you sure it's gonna be safe for be to climb all the way down just on that rickity ladder?  
Dixon: Sure! Why not! (pushes her down the hole)  
Sydney:(lands at the bottom with a big thud) Thanks Dixon! (talking to herself) That made it a lot quicker. Oh, there's the book.   
Ana: (snatches the book away from Syndey)  
Sydney: Hey! Give me that back!  
Ana: No!  
Sydney: Why do you even want it. You can't even read!  
Ana: Well..I could color the pictures in it!  
Sydney: It's not a coloring book, stupid! I was hoping it would be a paper doll book though. I've always loved those.  
Ana: What's the title of this book anyways?  
Sydney: Clocks for dummies. Now give it back!  
Ana: Don't make me shoot your skinny little white a*s.  
Sydney: Ha! Go ahead! Shoot me! It won't do anything though cause I'm wearing my bullet proof vest!  
Ana: (looks at her)  
Sydney: Uh oh.  
Ana: Is there anyone else here with you?  
Sydney: Just Dixon but he's hiding by our van. Damn it! I need to quit doing that.  
Ana: If you'll excuse me...  
Sydney: Did you just fart?  
Ana: No! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now. (whips out a picture of Drew Carey naked)  
Sydney: No!!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!!!(passes out)  
Ana:(climbs up the ladder and leaves)  
  
(at a car repair shop)  
Will: Excuse me. Do you happen to have Kate Jones's car here?  
Mechanic: Yeah, it's over there.  
Will: Thanks.  
Mechanic: Are you that wierd guy that has been stalking her?  
Will: She likes me! I knew she did!  
(runs over to her car and gets in)  
Will: (speaking to himself) I'll just leave this tape of me singing love songs in her glove department. (finds the flower pin) Whoa! Cool! This will go great with the new coat I just bought!  
  
pt.6  
(30 minutes later....)  
Sydney:(wakes up and climbs up the ladder) Dixon! Dixon! Where are you?  
Dixon: (groaning) Over here!  
Sydney: (runs over to him) Oh GOD! Dixon! What did she do to you?  
Dixon: That...woman..took my new Gucci jacket and then..  
Sydney: And then what?  
Dixon: Oh...it's too horrible to say.  
Sydney: You can tell me.  
Dixon: Well..she...she tried taking my Prada shirt. Look...this button is almost ready to come off.  
Sydney: Don't worry. I'll put my hand on it so it doesn't fall off (looks around for her backpack and pulls out the big walkie talkie Vaughn gave her)  
Dixon: At least she didn't take my new shoes (looks down at his bare feet) (passes out)  
Sydney: (turns on walkie talkie) This is freelancer. I need a helicopter to take us to a seamstress right away!  
  
(Jack enters a McDonalds)  
Jack: I'm here to see Michael Vaughn.  
McDonald's employee: Yeah...he's over there arguing with the manager.  
Jack: (walks over)  
Vaughn: Why won't you let me in the play pen!?!  
Manager: It's for kids.  
Vaughn: So? I'm a CIA agent. I should be allowed in. Do any of them have a really cool badge or a gun...(looks at his empty holster) where'd I leave that at?  
Manager: Are you done?  
Vaughn: For now, yes. But I'm gonna hire a lawyer and sue you.  
Manager: Are you gonna take me to Judge Judy?  
Vaughn: No! You know Judge Judy? I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again. She's a mean old lady!  
Jack: Excuse me?  
Manager: Are you this guy's father?  
Jack: No, thank god.  
Vaughn: Yeah, I know. If I were your son, then Sydney and I would be related and I couldn't get into her pants.  
Jack: (glares at him) Why don't we sit down?  
Vaughn: Actually I wanted to get a shake...  
Jack: Sit!  
Vaughn: (sits down)   
Jack: I've heard that you've been checking up on me?  
Vaughn: I haven't been checking you out!  
Jack: I meant that you tried getting into my file.  
Vaughn: Tried being the imperative word.  
Jack: Imperative?  
Vaughn: Word of the day calendar!  
Jack: Say no more. I want to make this very clear to you. Don't you ever go into my file again!  
Vaughn: I have a question. The only way you would know about me checking up on you, is if you were checking up on me.  
Jack: (confused) What?  
Vaughn: I don't know.   
Jack: I think we're done here. (stands up and starts to leave)  
Vaughn: Did you happen to see a gun lying around outside?  
Jack: No. Why?  
Vaughn: No reason. Just wondering.  
  
(at a clothing store)  
Sydney: Is my partner's shirt gonna be alright!  
Seamstress: Hold on. I almost have the button back on. Here comes Dixon's wife. Do you know your cover.  
Sydney: Yes! I know my cover! Just make sure my partner is going to be okay!  
Dixon's wife: How did this happen?  
Sydney: We were standing outside Bloomingdales, in New York. These crazy protesters against brand name clothes came and tried ripping Dixon's clothes off. They got his jacket...but not his shirt. The seamstress is doing everything she can to repair the button on the shirt.  
Dixon's wife: Can I see him?  
Sydney: Yes. (takes her over to Dixon)  
Dixon's wife: (starts hitting him with her purse) You stupid fool! Why the hell are you goin and spending 300 bucks on a stupid shirt. If you were awake, I would rip you a new one!   
  
  
pt.7 (inside Sloane's office)  
Carl: I haven't found the mole yet, but I am convinced that the mole is Sydney Bristow.  
Sloane: No, it's not.  
Carl: Yes, it is.  
Sloane: No, it's not. How did you get these cool little black lines on this piece of paper.  
Carl: Those are Sydney's results from the lie detector test.  
Sloane: Coool.  
Carl: What are you going to do about Sydney?  
Sloane: Ok. What's this really about? We both know Sydney is not the mole. Do you want me to take you out? Is that it? The only way I'm taking you out to a movie though is if you put a little foundation on your face. Seriously, your pale. Have you ever seen the sun? A trip to a tanning place every now and then wouldn't hurt ya!  
Carl: (stares at him and then walks out)  
Sloane: It's nice to help people.  
  
(Sydney's apartment-she's in the bathtub when Francie comes barging in)  
Francie: Where were you girlfriend?  
Sydney: What?  
Francie: We were suppose to go shopping for the cake together!  
Sydney: Oh God! Francie, I am so sorry. I got tied up with work.  
Francie: It's ok.   
Sydney: Do you want to go cake shopping tomorrow?  
Francie: We better not. I'm not allowed in any store that sells cake. The owners kept saying that I was eating too many samples! Besides, I know why you didn't show up.  
Sydney: Huh?  
Francie: Look at you! You and your tiny little figure. Like you would have ate any cake samples.   
  
(warehouse)  
Sydney: I was reading some of my mom's old books that my dad use to give her. I found codes on the pages. It looks like KGB were sending my dad codes through the books. Do you think you could take these to the lab and have them figured out?  
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face) So your dad ate BLT's while your mom read books?  
Sydney: Just take these to the lab.  
Vaughn: (nods-sits them on a table)  
Sydney: Sloane has ordered me to make a drop in Florence, Italy at a park.  
Vaughn: I wonder what the Italian word is for spaghetti? 


	2. The Alias Hillbillies, pt8

pt.8  
(Sloane's office)  
Carl: Sydney is the mole!  
Sloane: Dude! Quite yelling! Your spitting all over me.  
Carl: So what are we going to do?  
Sloane: (looking over some files) About what?  
Carl: About Sydney!  
Sloane: Sydney, Australia?  
Carl: I went ahead and sent a message out on server 5 that you were going to have Sydney assassinated.   
Sloane: Who did you get to do the job?  
Carl: You do realize Sydney's not going to be assassinated. It's only a fake job.  
Sloane: I know that but did you get a big burly guy? Or is it one of those tall skinny creepy fellows? You know, maybe we should start hiring women to assassinate people. I've always wanted that one wrestler..uh..Chyna! Yeah, I've always wanted to hire her. She's a lot tougher lookin than Sydney. Of course, if I ever had her fiance killed, she would literally kick my ass.  
  
(at a lab)  
Will: Hey! You wanna go see a movie?  
Dude: Sure, how about Men in Black?  
Will: Nah, I was thinking Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!  
Dude: (Looks at him)  
Will: I mean..we should go see it...cause there would be alot of..fly honeys in that theater.  
Dude: Oh my God! Where did you get that pin at. It's to die for!  
Will: I found it..I mean, when I was making out with this chick, Kate Jones, she gave it to me. Yeah, she gave it to me.  
Dude: Let me see that (takes it and examines it) It has a microphone in it.  
Will: Are we on hidden camera. If I knew I was going to be on t.v. I would have had my hair done or something.  
Dude: Why did she give you this?  
Will: Because she was quite taken with my masculine charm.  
Dude: No, really. Wait...she didn't give this to you. Did she?  
Will: No. I broke into her car and took it. But can you blame me. It goes with almost everything in my wardrobe!  
  
(secret room in CIA building. Jack bursts in)  
Vaughn: Oh no! There gonna kill her. I can't watch.   
Jack: What the hell is going on in here?  
Vaughn: Hey! You swore!  
Weiss: We have reason to believe that there is a hit put out on Sydney.  
Vaughn: Hit? I thought you said she was gonna be killed.  
Jack: Sloane sent it out on server 5 because he knew it was the least secured. If Sydney is pulled out, he'll know she's a double agent. He's not going to have her killed. It's a test!  
Vaughn: Damn! I don't like tests.   
CIA agent: She's entered the park.  
Jack: Call off your men!   
CIA agent: Do you want me to tell them to hold?  
Weiss: Tell the men to hold!  
Vaughn: (singing) It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men! (looks around) Sorry.  
CIA agent: Shooter spotted. He's heading towards Sydney.  
Weiss: I hope your right, Jack.  
Vaughn: I can't watch (closes his eyes) Tell me when it's over.  
CIA: The shooter has passed. Sydney has exited the park.  
Vaughn: Whew, that was scary. I thought I was gonna pee my pants. (looks down) Spoke too soon. 


	3. The Alias Hillbillies pt9

pt.9  
(Sloane's office)  
Sloane: Jack! My man! What is up?  
Jack: Uh...nothing. I guess. (confused) So,uh...how's..it..hanging.?.  
Sloane: A little to the left. (starts laughing) No, actually I just got done watching Buffy.   
Jack: You said you wanted to talk?  
Sloane: Oh, yeah. I need you to go to Cuba and get me some cigars.  
Jack: I need to go to Cuba to get you cigars?  
Sloane: Oh, I almost forgot. You need to go get Inini Hassan and kill him. Make sure you get the cigars that come in those little black boxes. (pulls out some money) And take this to get yourself a little something extra. Maybe a nice straw hat or oooohhhh! Some of those wicker sandles!  
  
(Sydney and Dixon are on an airplane)  
Sydney: (closes her eyes)  
(FLASHBACK-at secret warehouse)  
Sydney: Let me get this straight. When Dixon and I get off the plane, I'll throw the disk into the trash. You come pick it up, copy it, then place it back in my purse. Right?  
Vaughn: Yeah, but the CIA really isn't going to make me wear janitor clothing, are they?  
(END FLASHBACK)  
Dixon: Sydney! Wake up! We're here.  
Sydney: I'm awake.  
(they walk off the plane)  
Sydney: (spots Vaughn-wearing a Gucci suit with a sign on his back that says "janitor") Oh brother! (drops disk into trash and walks off)  
Vaughn:(rushes over to trash) Oohh! Gross! (reaches into trash can and picks it up) I just had a manicure! (rushes into janitor closet-stares at disk) Now how do I copy this? (takes it over to the Xerox machine) That was easy!  
  
(Sydney's apartment)  
Sydney: Francie, the turkey looks beautiful.  
Francie: Well it should! I paid Boston Market 50 bucks for it.  
Sydney: Oohh. Is this chocolate cake for dessert?  
Francie: No, that's a snack I made for myself. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal.  
Sydney: Where'd you get the pumpkin pie from?  
Francie: My girlfriend Sara Lee!  
  
(Cuba-Jack is sitting at a cafe)  
Jack: Yes, I would like a little low-fat oatmeal and a black coffee. (purposely knocks fork off table)  
Waitress: I'll get that.  
Jack: (Watches as waitress bends over) Thank you. (looks over and sees Hissan)  
(they both start running. After about a block they both stop)  
Jack: (out of breath) Let's..just..call..it...a...truce..  
Hissan: (out of breath) O..k...there's..a...strip..club..down..the..street. You..wanna..go?  
Jack: Yeah...but.let's..take..a..cab. 


	4. The Alias Hillbillies, pt10 and pt11

pt.10  
(secret warehouse)  
Sydney: How did you know I wasn't in any danger? That the hitman really wasn't going to shoot me?  
Vaughn: Oh, no. I thought you were dead meat. Your dad was the one who told us not to do anything.  
Sydney: Right. (stares at him) Did the lab find out anything from those books I gave you?  
Vaughn: (notices books still sitting on table in the warehouse) They haven't figured out anything yet.  
Sydney: Really? They've had them for almost a week now.   
(they hear a noise)  
Vaughn: (pulls out his gun)  
Sydney: What is that?  
Vaughn: It's a water gun! I kind of lost my real gun.  
  
(at strip club)  
Hissan: So, why are you here Jack?  
Jack: I have a proposition for you?  
Hissan: Is that a new toupee?  
Jack: Yeah. You like it?  
Hissan: Yeah. It's real sharp lookin. You'll never guess what happened to me last month!  
Jack: What?  
Hissan: I broke my freakin hip! Can you believe it. My wife and I were trying out that Kamasutra book. It's dangerous stuff man!   
  
(Sydney's apartment)  
Will: (in the bathroom with the pin) Hello. My name is Will. I'm about 5'3"..no..I'm 6'2" with buldging muscles. I resemble Brad Pitt. If there's any cute guy out there listening, preferbly in his 20's to mid 30's, give me a call at...  
Sydney: (knocking) Will! Who the hell are you talking too!?!  
Will: No one! (walks out of bathroom) Hey! What ya working on?  
Sydney: Rewriting a school paper. Do you know why porn sites keep downloading on my computer?  
Will: (tries to act stunned) Nooo. So why is your teacher making you redo your paper?  
Sydney: He said it didn't have soul. So I'm putting lots of soul into it.   
Will: (reads her paper aloud) Bank accounts. There's not much to say. Poor people don't have them and rich people have them in Swizterland. (flips paper over) That's it?  
  
pt.11  
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)  
Vaughn: (enters)  
Hissan: What do you want!?!  
Vaughn: Dude! Calm down! Chill!  
Hissan: Jack Bristow said he had a propisition for me.  
Vaughn: Well..I don't know if the CIA are gonna allow a prostitute in here, but I can ask. (starts to leave)  
Hissan: No you fool! A propisition. A proposal. A plan.  
Vaughn: (has a blank look on his face)  
Hissan: Forget it. Why am I here?  
Vaughn: Oh! Right! Yeah, I don't know. The CIA never really tells me those sort of things. (beeper goes off) (leaves and then comes back in) You're here because the CIA wants to know where your mistle-toe is located.  
Hissan: You mean missiles?  
Vaughn: Right. Missiles.  
Hissan: I will not tell you until you promise me my family will be brought over safely and protected.  
Vaughn: You make me sick! Wanting a prostitute when your already married!  
Hissan: I didn't want a prostitute! (sighs) I just want my family. Vaughn: Dude! You should have just brought them here with you!   
Hissan: I was beaten over the head with a piece of two by four and flown here while I was unconscious.  
Vaughn: You know that blood stain is never gonna come out of that shirt. What is that, silk? (starts to feel his shirt)  
Hissan: My pants are made out of cotton. Don't feel them!  
  
(Sydney's apartment. Will and Francie are watching t.v.)  
Will: Pretty Woman is the best movie of all time!  
Francie: What! Your totally forgetting the classics like Die Hard and anything with Denzel Washington!  
Will: I wanted to talk to you about something.  
Francie: What?  
Will: Well, as we all know your getting married. And on your wedding day you'll need something new, something borrowed, something blue, and som..  
Francie: Get to the point!  
Will: Well, I thought this could be your something borrowed! (pulls out the flower pin/microphone)  
Francie: (starts laughing) You want me to wear that god awful ugly pin on my wedding day!  
Will: Don't mock! Besides, it has really cool powers.  
Francie: Like what?  
Will: You can't find out since you just laughed at it.  
Francie: Fine. I don't care. (starts to get up)  
Will: (pulls her back down) It's got a microphone inside of it!  
Francie: So...?  
Will: Isn't it cool! The, like, goverment could be listening to us. Ooohhh. You know I've always wanted to date a politician!   
  
(Sloane's office)  
Jack: Here are the cigars you wanted.  
Sloane: Ssshhh. I'm trying to watch ER!  
Jack: Here are the photos of Hissan, dead.  
Sloane: (throws photos on desk) Yeah, whatever. ER has never been the same since George Clooney left.   
Jack: Is there anything else I can do for you?  
Sloane: I could use some more diet soda. Oh, and some ice cream! Make sure it's low fat though. My thighs are already huge, they couldn't possibly get any bigger. 


	5. The Alias Hillbillies pt,12, 13, & 14

pt.12  
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)  
Jack: Hello Hissan.  
Hissan: I want my family!  
Jack: You have to tell us where your missiles are first! (sits down and something falls out of his pocket)  
Hissan: What's that?  
Jack: (picks it up) It's a picture of my daughter.  
Hissan: She's worth about three viagra.  
Jack: What?  
Hissan: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never use it.  
Jack: Well, yeah. Sydney has a friend that I would pop about 5 viagra for!  
Hissan: Oh, and what about that Jennifer Love Hewitt! She's worth about a whole bottle. (snickers)  
Jack: (snickers)  
  
(night time-Sydney arrives at Will's house. YMCA by the Village People is playing loudly.)  
Sydney: (knocks on the door)  
Will: (opens the door) Hey Syd!  
Sydney: Hi. I hope it's not a bad time but..  
Marshall: (appears in the background) Will, the creme brulee is cooling.  
Sydney: Marshall!?!  
Marshall: Sydney!?!  
Will: Sydney, this is my new friend, Marshall!  
Sydney: I better go. (turns around and starts walking)  
Will: No wait! We were just gonna do facials! You could use one!   
  
(CIA room where Hissan is being kept)  
Hissan: (finishing his food)  
Vaughn: They said that if you don't tell us where your weapons are that they'll send you to an all-male prison.   
Hissan: Is that your way of telling me I'd be someone's b*tch?  
Vaughn: Why would you be someone's dog?  
Hissan: No, not a dog! You would send me to prison with a bunch of guys and they would have their way with me?  
Vaughn:(blank look on his face)  
Hissan: They would scr*w me!  
Vaughn: Sick dude! What are you, gay!?!   
Hissan: No!  
Vaughn: Then why were you talking about going to prison and getting laid by a bunch of dudes!?!  
Hissan: Because...just forget it. I give up. (pushes his plate away)  
Vaughn:(pulls out something) Would you like an after-dinner mint?  
Hissan: No!  
Vaughn: Are you sure? Hamburgers can leave a bad after taste in your mouth.  
Hissan: My weapons are located at Crete.   
Vaughn: That's cool. Is it on a beach?  
Hissan: Yeah.  
Vaughn: So you just lie around the beach all day? Oh, are there any girls in bikinis!?! Oh, sorry. I forgot, you prefer guys.  
  
pt.13  
(SD-6 building)  
Jack: The weapons are located in Crete?  
Sydney: Yes, and you have to convince Sloane to let me go on the mission.  
Jack: Maybe he'll let me go on the mission. I'm still the same buff agent I was 30 years ago. (heads into Sloane's office)  
Sloane: (excercising to sweating to the oldies) Yo!  
Jack: Um..I've just been informed by some allies that Hissan's weapons are located in Crete.  
Sloane: (still excercising) I can really feel the burn in my butt. Look at my butt. Doesn't it look tighter?  
Jack: I..don't...know. Look, I think it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.  
Sloane: What mission?  
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.  
Sloane: What weapons?   
Jack: In Crete.  
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.  
  
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)  
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)  
  
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)  
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.  
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!  
Vaughn:(zooms camera out) Sorry.  
Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?  
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?  
Hissan: Um...793B2S5  
Vaughn: 7..9......  
Hissan: 3B2S5  
Vaughn: 3B2S5  
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!  
Vaughn: Um.....  
Wiess: What's the real code?  
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969  
Vaughn: (starts laughing)  
Wiess: The real code!  
Hissan: Fine! 3596  
Vaughn: 3596.  
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?  
Vaughn: Where's what?  
Sydney: The weapons!  
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.  
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?  
Hissan: In a black shipping box.  
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.  
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!  
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!  
Weiss: What's going on?  
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.  
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!  
Hissan: Go ahead!  
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)  
  
pt. 14   
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)   
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!  
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!  
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!  
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...  
Devlin: Get to the point!  
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!  
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)  
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!  
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)  
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)  
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!  
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.  
Weiss: What's the code!?!  
Hissan: 5390  
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)  
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..  
Hissan: 5390  
Vaughn: 5390  
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.  
  
  
(newspaper office)  
Will:(sits down at his desk)  
Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?  
Will: Yeah, so?  
  
(SD-6 conference room)  
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)  
Sydney: What is my new mission?  
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...  
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.  
Sloane: Wake up!  
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.  
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full!  
pt.12  
(CIA room where Hissan is being held)  
Jack: Hello Hissan.  
Hissan: I want my family!  
Jack: You have to tell us where your missiles are first! (sits down and something falls out of his pocket)  
Hissan: What's that?  
Jack: (picks it up) It's a picture of my daughter.  
Hissan: She's worth about three viagra.  
Jack: What?  
Hissan: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never use it.  
Jack: Well, yeah. Sydney has a friend that I would pop about 5 viagra for!  
Hissan: Oh, and what about that Jennifer Love Hewitt! She's worth about a whole bottle. (snickers)  
Jack: (snickers)  
  
(night time-Sydney arrives at Will's house. YMCA by the Village People is playing loudly.)  
Sydney: (knocks on the door)  
Will: (opens the door) Hey Syd!  
Sydney: Hi. I hope it's not a bad time but..  
Marshall: (appears in the background) Will, the creme brulee is cooling.  
Sydney: Marshall!?!  
Marshall: Sydney!?!  
Will: Sydney, this is my new friend, Marshall!  
Sydney: I better go. (turns around and starts walking)  
Will: No wait! We were just gonna do facials! You could use one!   
  
(CIA room where Hissan is being kept)  
Hissan: (finishing his food)  
Vaughn: They said that if you don't tell us where your weapons are that they'll send you to an all-male prison.   
Hissan: Is that your way of telling me I'd be someone's b*tch?  
Vaughn: Why would you be someone's dog?  
Hissan: No, not a dog! You would send me to prison with a bunch of guys and they would have their way with me?  
Vaughn:(blank look on his face)  
Hissan: They would scr*w me!  
Vaughn: Sick dude! What are you, gay!?!   
Hissan: No!  
Vaughn: Then why were you talking about going to prison and getting laid by a bunch of dudes!?!  
Hissan: Because...just forget it. I give up. (pushes his plate away)  
Vaughn:(pulls out something) Would you like an after-dinner mint?  
Hissan: No!  
Vaughn: Are you sure? Hamburgers can leave a bad after taste in your mouth.  
Hissan: My weapons are located at Crete.   
Vaughn: That's cool. Is it on a beach?  
Hissan: Yeah.  
Vaughn: So you just lie around the beach all day? Oh, are there any girls in bikinis!?! Oh, sorry. I forgot, you prefer guys.  
  
pt.13  
(SD-6 building)  
Jack: The weapons are located in Crete?  
Sydney: Yes, and you have to convince Sloane to let me go on the mission.  
Jack: Maybe he'll let me go on the mission. I'm still the same buff agent I was 30 years ago. (heads into Sloane's office)  
Sloane: (excercising to sweating to the oldies) Yo!  
Jack: Um..I've just been informed by some allies that Hissan's weapons are located in Crete.  
Sloane: (still excercising) I can really feel the burn in my butt. Look at my butt. Doesn't it look tighter?  
Jack: I..don't...know. Look, I think it would be a good idea to send Sydney on the mission.  
Sloane: What mission?  
Jack: To get the weapons in Crete.  
Sloane: What weapons?   
Jack: In Crete.  
Sloane: Richard Simmons is so masculine.  
  
(night time-Will is at his car-a message is written on his window)  
Will: (reading his window) Look in the glove box. I knew I had a secret admirer! (opens glove box) Oh la la! A tape! (puts it in and listens to it) This song is horrible. (starts nodding his head) It's not too bad. (hears gun shots on tape) What the f*ck! (speeds off)  
  
(CIA room-with all the cameras-watching Sydney who is in Crete)  
Vaughn: Ok, your clear. Head into the building.  
Wiess: I think it would be better if you focused the camera on the whole estate rather than Sydney's butt!  
Vaughn:(zooms camera out) Sorry.  
Sydney: I found the keypad. What's the code?  
Vaughn: Dude! What's the code?  
Hissan: Um...793B2S5  
Vaughn: 7..9......  
Hissan: 3B2S5  
Vaughn: 3B2S5  
Sydney: It's a number pad. It doesn't have any letters on it!  
Vaughn: Um.....  
Wiess: What's the real code?  
Hissan: Um..(thinking) 6969  
Vaughn: (starts laughing)  
Wiess: The real code!  
Hissan: Fine! 3596  
Vaughn: 3596.  
Sydney: (punches it in) Got it. (doors open-lots of boxes inside) Where is it?  
Vaughn: Where's what?  
Sydney: The weapons!  
Vaughn: I don't know. Your the one in the building.  
Weiss: (rolls his eyes) Hissan, where are the weapons?  
Hissan: In a black shipping box.  
Vaughn: In a black shipping box Sydney.  
Sydney: (searching) Found them! Vaughn, the door is starting to close! I think this is a set up! I'm getting wet!  
Vaughn: My voice makes you wet!  
Weiss: What's going on?  
Hissan: The room will fill up with gasoline and then a fire will be ignited. I will give you the real code if you have your superior sign a paper that states my family will be brought over safely.  
Vaughn: (pulls out his water gun) Don't make me spray you!  
Hissan: Go ahead!  
Vaughn: (stares at him and then runs out of the room) (starts running up stairs but runs out of breath so he takes the elevator.)  
  
pt. 14   
(Vaughn-bursts into Devlin's room)   
Devlin: What on earth do you think your doing!?!  
Vaughn: We need you in the camera room!  
Devlin: Why? This isn't like the time you told me to rush to the lobby to show me that the vending machine wasn't working, is it!?!  
Vaughn: Actually, they never fixed those...  
Devlin: Get to the point!  
Vaughn: Um....(thinking)...Um...You made me forget! Sydney! It has something to do with Sydney!  
(Devlin and Vaughn burst into camera room)  
Devlin: (starts to sign) My pen is out of ink!  
Vaughn: (starts feeling his jacket-pulls out candy wrappers and a yo-yo)  
Weiss: Here! (hands him a new pen)  
Devlin: (signs it) Here you go!  
Hissan: (looks at it) You've got pretty nice handwriting for a guy.  
Weiss: What's the code!?!  
Hissan: 5390  
Weiss: (looks at Vaughn)  
Vaughn: What? Oh, right. (puts on head set) The code is..  
Hissan: 5390  
Vaughn: 5390  
Sydney: (punches it in) Okay. The door is opening.  
  
  
(newspaper office)  
Will:(sits down at his desk)  
Woman: Didn't you get fired last week?  
Will: Yeah, so?  
  
(SD-6 conference room)  
Sloane: Sydney your new mission is...(interupted by beeping coming from computer) Ooh, I've got mail. (sits down and reads it)  
Sydney: What is my new mission?  
Sloane: (starts laughing while reading email) Those jokes crack me up. Anyways, your new mission Sydney is...  
Jack: (asleep) Yeah baby. You know I like it like that.  
Sloane: Wake up!  
Jack: (jerks) I'm up.  
Sloane: There's a guy somewhere, has some info, we need him, yada yada yada, you know the rest. (gets back onto his computer) Damn it! The Dawson's Creek chatroom is full! 


	6. The Alias Hillbillies pt15

pt.15   
  
(Vaughn's office-Weiss enters)  
Weiss: Hey, do you want some pizza?  
Vaughn: No thanks.  
Weiss: Good. I already ate it all. Barnett want's to see you.  
Vaughn: That cute blonde?  
Weiss: Yeah.  
Vaughn: (runs out of his office)  
  
(Prison-Will enters)  
Will: (starts getting frisked by security guard) Ooohh. A little lower.  
Security Guard: (stops) Uh..you can go on ahead now.  
Will: (enters room-sits down infront of glass window)  
David: (sits down)  
Will: (looks at him) Hey good lookin, what you've got cookin?  
  
(Barnett's office-Vaughn enters)  
Barnett: Good afternoon Vaughn. Why don't you have a seat.  
Vaughn: (sits down on couch)  
Barnett: Is there anything you would like to share with me?  
Vaughn: I have this nasty rash....but I don't think you'd really want it.  
Barnett: No! No, I meant about Sydney Bristow.   
Vaughn: I don't think she'd want it either!  
Barnett: Oh god. Um...I meant..is there anything you would like to discuss with me regarding Sydney Bristow.  
Vaughn: No, ooh..are those lollipops? (points to the jar of candy on her desk)  
Barnett: Yes. (gives him one) How often do you meet with Sydney Bristow?  
Vaughn: (starts counting on his fingers) Um..1..2..3..9..5..(starts over) 1...2..  
Barnett: Okay, moving on. Would you say you guys are friends?  
Vaughn: Sydney's not a guy.  
Barnett: (sighs) I better be getting a pay raise. Would you say you and Sydney are friends.  
Vaughn: I don't know. Everytime I suggest we go get manicures or get coordinating outfits, she says no.  
Barnett: Did you purchase a Christmas gift for Syndey Bristow?  
Vaughn: Purchase?  
Barnett: Did you buy Sydney a christmas gift?  
Vaughn: Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted one too.  
Barnett: What did you buy Sydney Bristow?  
Vaughn: Well, I went to Victoria Secrets  
Barnett: (gasps)  
Vaughn: but I didn't know if she liked lace or silk, so I got her a poster of spiderman! Wait...how did you know about that? Are you related to Miss Cleo!?!  
Barnett: No, we've been recieving reports from someone inside the CIA.  
Vaughn: Oh. Ooohhh. Yeah, I don't get it. 


	7. The Alias Hillbillies pt 16 & 17

pt.16  
Sydney: I've been thinking about my mom's old books. What if the codes in them were for her, not my dad. What if my mother was a totally different person. All this time I thought my dad was the bad guy.   
Vaughn: (stares at her a minute, then punches her in the shoulder) Hang in their sport. (opens his briefcase-full of candy bars-starts to eat one)  
Sydney: My mom might have been the one that killed all of those agents! (starts sobing)  
Vaughn: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want a candy bar?  
Sydney: (still crying)  
Vaughn: I know I forgot to offer you one but you don't have to cry about it.  
Sydney: (stops crying) Um..you like hockey right?  
Vaughn: (nods while chewing his candy bar)  
Sydney: The Kings are playing at the arena next week. We should go.  
Vaughn: (stops chewing-his eyes get big-nods)  
Sydney: I'll see ya later. (leaves the warehouse)  
Vaughn: Oh boy! Oh boy! I've got a date with Sydney! I better start getting ready. Let's see, I'll need to get some sensual message oil, make sure my lucky boxers are clean, maybe get a tape of Celine Dion singing cause that'll put her in the mood.   
  
(SD-6 parking garage-Sydney and Jack enter the elevator)  
Sydney: I wanna quit SD-6!  
Jack: (checking his reflection on the doors) Huh?  
(elevator stops)  
Sydney: What's happening?  
Jack: (checks out control panel) The elevator stopped. You know, your mom and I got stuck in an elevator once. I think that was where you were concieved. Or maybe you were concieved in the bathroom at McDonalds. We did it so many places...  
Sydney: Dad! I don't wanna hear about that!  
(they hear a noise)  
Jack: Quick. We need to go through the opening and get on top of the elevator.  
(Jack stands on Sydney's shoulders-gets on top of roof-then pulls Sydney through)  
  
  
(SD-6 buiding-Sloane's office-Cole burts in)  
Sloane: (jumps) Oh my God! (start to catch his breath) Whew. Sorry about that. I've never seen anyone so ugly. Well, except for maybe Dryer. Except he wasn't really ugly, just pale.  
Cole: Shut up!  
Sloane: (pulls out a ruler-holds it up to Cole's face)  
Cole: What are you doing!?!  
Sloane: I wanna measure your forehead. It's huge!  
Cole: (grabs Sloane and drags him to the torture room)  
Sloane: (being tied up) Are you gonna be done by 5? Ally McBeal is on and it's the one with that cute Michael Vartan guy.   
Cole: You don't remember me, do you?  
Sloane: Oh, did you deliver my pizza last week?  
Cole: No! I use to work for you! You left me for dead! (pulls out some needles)  
Sloane: Have you lost weight? You look thinner? I've tried the zone diet, subway diet, but I can't seem to get those pesky 5 lbs off.  
  
pt.17  
  
(CIA building-Vaughn's office)  
Wiess: We just got an email. It was forwarded to you.  
Vaughn: Cool. Is it jokes? (takes the paper) Oh, I don't know Dixon. It must be for someone else.  
Wiess: SD-6 is under attack! You need to tell Devlin.  
Vaughn: Ok. (starts to walk to Devlin's office)  
Wiess: (walking also) You wanna speed it up. This is important.  
Vaughn: I'm not gonna run! I just spent $300 on this suit. I don't want to sweat all over it. (walks into Devlin's office)  
Devlin: What do you want?  
Vaughn: (looking around) Did you get new wallpaper? It looks brighter in here.  
Devlin: What is it!?!  
Vaughn: (hands him the email)  
Wiesel: (bursts in) Since Vaughn is suspended from Sydney's case, I should be the one to read that. (reads email) Have their been any other reports. Any reports of unusual activity around the building, any police calls, ambulance calls,...?  
Vaughn: Uh......  
  
(SD-6 building)  
Sydney: (running)  
  
(a resturant-Will is sitting by himself)  
Girl: Excuse me.  
Will: Yeah?  
Girl: I heard that you know my dad?  
Will: Look, tell your dad that I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. If he wants to contact me later though...  
Girl: No, dude! I can help you with your story. I can help you find out why my mom was killed.  
Will: Oh, so your dad didn't mention me at all? Didn't talk about my great physique, or baby blue eyes.   
Girl: (hands him a package)  
Will: (opens it up-pulls out a key with a number on it) Is this the key to his cell!?!  
Girl: It's a key to a locker. It has my mother's autopsy report in it.  
Will: Oh, it's probably just full of nude pictures of your mom then, huh?  
Girl: Among other information.  
Will: No pictures of your dad?  
Girl: (looks at him)  
Will: Sorry, um..I'll check it out sometimes. And here's something for you. (hands her a piece of paper)  
Girl: (looks at it) Your bill?  
Will: Yeah I'm kind of short on money today. Would you mind paying that? 


	8. The Alias Hillbillies pt 18

3 yrs later: Present Time

(Lockeroom)

Vaughn: (changing) I had this horrible dream.

Weiss: What was it?

Vaughn: That I married some pale woman that talked funny. But she had huge thingies though. Way bigger than Syd's. But Syd doesn't show me em anymore.

Weiss: Dude, that wasn't a dream. Remember, you shot her.

Vaughn: I shot Syd? Oh, do you mean like I shot her with my 'Vaughn juice'?

Weiss: Gross dude. No, you shot Lauren.

Vaughn: Actually Syd did. The CIA still has this thing with not giving me a real gun.

Weiss: So just how big are Syd's thingies?

(New Underground CIA black ops center)

Sloane: (In his office-holding a photo of Rimbaldi-singing) Oohh, I don't want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself. Oh yeah, cause I don't want anybody else.

Jack: (enters) Excuse me.

Sloane: Jack my man. What's happenin?

Jack: Nothin much. My Viagra prescription ran out and what I wouldn't do to get my hands on that new little dark haired morsel that's recently joined our crew.

Sloane: Your talking about my daughter!

Jack: Yeah, so. I'm a man. A man of many needs.

Sloane: Your one sick bastard, but I love you. Ok, lets get this meeting thing over with. That new John Stamos show is on and I don't wanna miss it.

(Meeting Room)

Sloane: Welcome back everyone. Its good to be in control again.

Sydney: Whatever.

Sloane: Ah, Clueless. I just saw that movie the other day, quite good. But this is not the time for charades Sydney. We have a major crisis on our hands.

Jack: Wait, we're missing someone.

Sloane: Oh yeah, that pretty little boy. (looks out window-sees Vaughn-he's staring at a map trying to find his way around)

Sydney: Vaughn!

Vaughn:(looks up-waves-walks over) This place is huge! How did you guys find your way around?

Jack: I'm use to handling big things.

Vaughn: (tries giving Sydney a kiss)

Sydney: Don't.

Vaughn: Ok. Hey, Mr. Sloane. What's up? (starts spinning around in his chair) Hehe..this is fun.

Sydney: Where's Dixon?

Sloane: (starts giggling)

Sydney: What's so funny.

Sloane: Hehehe..Dix..on…haha. I'm gonna start calling him Dix. Hehe. Hey Dix. Haha.


	9. The Alias Hillbillies pt 19

(Sydney's house)

Sydney: (hears knock at door-answers it) Hi Dad.

Jack:(walks in) Hey, how's it going?

Sydney: Good. What are you doing here?

Jack: Nothin much. Just in the neighborhood.

Sydney: Well if you came to talk about mom and how you had her killed without even telling me and without any regard to my emotional well being let alone my sanity and personal values and …..

Jack: Will you shut up. I'm actually here to see if that roommate of yours is home.

Sydney: You mean my half-sister Nadia?

Jack: Yeah, is that her name? Is she around? I just happen to have two reservations at the most expensive restaurant in town and I just got my prescription filled.

Sydney: She's out with Weiss.

Jack: That chubby guy! Why, I'm gonna kick his ass.

Vaughn: (walks in) Hey Sydney, I'm back with dinner. Lets see, one happy meal for me and a piece of lettuce with non-fat dressing for you. (sees Jack) Hey Mr. Bristow.

Jack: Hello Vaughn.

Vaughn: Mmm..I don't know how to say this but I'm not really into kinky stuff, at least not with parents.

Sydney: What?

Vaughn: Well there's candles and wine, you, Jack, me. All alone in this big empty house.

(CIA underground office-meeting room)

Sloane: Ok, so we have a big, big mission ahead of us, well, actually ahead of you Syd. Mmm…(starts looking at his nails)

Sydney: (coughs)

Sloane: (still looking at his nails)

Sydney: (throws a pencil at him)

Sloane: Huh. What? Oh yeah. So this dude's name is Sergie or something. I don't know. Who names there kid Sergie? Anyhoo, anyone catch the new American Idol?

Jack:(giving Weiss an evil stare)

Weiss: What? Do I have mustard on my shirt again?

Vaughn: You got hot dogs again without me!

Marshall: I think Sloane meant to turn the floor over to me. So, the October Contingent is looking for new recruits and they have this machine that has electromagnetic pulses….

Jack: (thinking about Nadia in handcuffs with a whip)

Wiess: (thinking about Nadia and Sydney in handcuffs with a whip)

Sloane: (thinking-"I'm buffer than Vaughn. At least I hope so. My pecks could use some work. Maybe I'll get the number of that Richard Simons guy. He's in really good shape")

Nadia: (thinking-I am so the prettier sister. Why does Jack keep twitching his eye at me?)

Vaughn: (thinking-"I Love you, You Love Me, We're a Happy…uh…..")

Marshall: …..so, in conclusion, Sydney and Vaughn, you'll be moving to Moscow to live with the October Contingent.

Everyone: (jerks) What?

(Moscow)

Sydney: (in Russian accent) We are the new recruits. We are here to serve you.

Vaughn: (trying to speak Russian) A blah blah blah, click-click oogie boogie cluck-cluck

Sergie: (looks at them) Get in the van.

Vaughn: Cool. Can I drive?


	10. The Alias Hillbillies pt 20

pt.20

(CIA Underground)

Sloane: Hey Jack.

Jack: (on computer looking up Russian Spy Chicks Gone Wild-slaps laptop shut) Hello. What can I do for you?

Sloane: (shrugs shoulders) Do you notice anything different about me?

Jack: No.

Sloane: Damn. I'm using this new moisturizer and it says you should see results within a week.

Jack: (sees Weiss flirting with Nadia) That's nice. (walks away towards Weiss-pushes him down) Hey Baby. I've got a party in my pants that's just waiting for its surprise guest.

Nadia: Huh?

Jack: (winking) You know what I mean.

Nadia: What?

Jack: (staring) Aw, screw this. You're too much work. (walks away-hollers) I'm still gonna get you Weiss. (walks over towards Sloane) Hey, you wanna go hit some strip clubs?

Sloane: You know I can't! That is so irresponsible, it makes me wanna puke. You know tonight is must see TV on NBC! You disgust me Jack. (walks away)

Jack: I wonder what Sark's doing?

(MOSCOW)

Sergie: (hands Vaughn container with gun) You'll wanna practice putting this together.

Vaughn: (looks) Holy snickerdoodles! It's a gun. And there's bullets, and more bullets, and a trigger. Woohoo!

Sergie: (stares for a moment and then leaves)

Sydney: I'm gonna go for run. (goes outside-comes back in) It's too cold out there. (grabs a pair of binoculars to stare into Sergie's home)

Vaughn: This sucks! There's no directions or anything. (goes into kitchen)

Sydney: We should get to bed. What are you doing?

Vaughn: Trying to fill the gun up with water.

Sydney: What happened to the bullets?

Vaughn: (silent)

Sydney: (looks around-sees bullets scattered across the floor with some legos, a few in the fire place, and the dog chewing on one)

Vaughn: Uh, I don't think it came with bullets.

Later on, Syd's in bed.

Vaughn: (comes in wearing his one piece pajama set with footies and carrying a stuffed Weiss doll) So where do I sleep?

Sydney: Here, in bed with me.

Vaughn: But you said I couldn't sleep with you anymore. Are we still dating?

Sydney: Yes, I just don't like you to touch me at all. But you can sleep with me tonight.

Vaughn: Ok.

Sydney: (turns of the lights) Did you go to the bathroom?

Vaughn: (smelling her hair-getting turned on) Yep.

Sydney: That's better be a flashlight underneath the covers.

Vaughn: Actually its my SpiderMan poster (pulls it out from underneath covers) I almost forgot I brought it with me. Do you still have the one I gave you for Christmas?

(Sydney's house-raging party going on)

Jack: (answering door to pizza man) Just bring em on in. And if you have any hot friends tell em to stop by.

Sloane: (dancing in a John Travolta Saturday Night Fever suit) This is your best idea yet.

Nadia: I don't think Sydney would like this.

Sloane: Why don't you be a good daughter and listen to your daddy. Go get us another keg.

Weiss: Alright, where's the beer bong.

Jack: There's no beer for you.

Weiss: No, no. There's plenty of beer, I just saw a case out on the porch.

Jack: I said no beer for you. (snaps his fingers-Sark appears) Please escort this man out.

Sark: As you'd like sir.

Weiss: (being dragged away) Oh come on. This is so not fair!

Sloane: (dancing) Come on Jack, bump butts with me. Hey, do you wanna get it on a secret project with me.

Jack: Sure.

Sloane: Cool. (starts shimmying)


	11. The Alias Hillbillies pt 21

pt. 21

(Moscow-middle of the night)

Sergie: (sneaking into Syd and Vaughn's bedroom-floor creaks)

Vaughn: (wakes up-starts screaming) AHHHHHHHH! (gets up and runs into the corner and starts sucking his thumb.

Sydney: (pushes Sergie up against the wall)

Sergie: Good. You passed the test. Get ready for the day.

Vaughn: Sergie, is that you? I totally new it was you. (standing in puddle of pee) Is it wet in here? (looks around)

(CIA Undergound-meeting room)

Sloane: Good job on the mission Syd and Vaughn.

Sydney: Did the device arrive to headquarters securely?

Sloane: Huh, oh I don't know. I think I gave it to some homeless dude. It was heavy. So…….

Sydney: What happened to my house while I was gone?

Sloane and Jack: (begin whistling and looking around the room) It was Weiss.

Sydney: Weiss, why would you do such a thing?

Weiss: It wasn't me, I swear.

Jack: Hehe. Anyways, there's a crazed vampire like creature roaming around Europe.

Sloane: Say no more, I'll call Buffy.

Sydney: But that's….

Sloane: Syd, be quiet. I'm on speaker phone. Yes, operator, I need the name of one Buffy Summers.

Vaughn: Are we all gonna get wooden stakes.

Sloane: How about I give everyone else a gun but give you a wooden stake?

Vaughn: Alright! (starts singing) 'You guys are gonna be jealous. I'm gonna have the stake.' Oh, Weiss. Don't eat any garlic. That gives you bad, bad gas. Remember that one time..

Weiss: Ok, I think they get it.

Sloane: Damn, Buffy is unlisted.

Vaughn: Guess who I am (in bad British accent) I am a good person. I Love you Vaughn. You are so big Vaughn. Give it to me like that Vaughn.

Everyone stares at him.

Vaughn: Come on, guess. Ok, one more clue (in bad British accent) I am in love with Sark.

Sloane: Shoot. What's her name. Um….

Jack. Oh, no. I think I've got it. She had the cutest butt.

(Sydney's house-in her bedroom)

Sydney: (pulling on one end of black leather jacket) That's my leather jacket.

Vaughn: (pulling on the other end) No, its mine. It fits be perfectly.

Sydney: Let go. I bought it.

Vaughn: But I wanna wear it. I have this whole black look going on just like Angel.

Sydney: Give me the coat.

Vaughn: Eat dirt.

Sydney: It looks like you already have, or wait. Is that stubble?

Vaughn: Hey! It's not my fault my mom won't allow me to use razors anymore.

Nadia: (appears in the doorway) Me and Weiss are gonna go bowling. Do you wanna come?

Vaughn: (lets go of jacket) Cool. Yeah. I got shot gun (runs out of the room)

Sydney: (hollers) We're not going Vaughn.

Vaughn: Oh come on! Please!

Sydney: No! We're going to have a nice romantic night.

Vaughn: (starts getting undressed)

Nadia and Weiss leave

Sydney: Ew gross. Put your clothes back on. I'm gonna go exercise.

Vaughn: (standing in his Incredible Hulk boxers) But what about our romantic evening?

Sydney: Go watch TV or something (leaves)

Vaughn: You use to be a lot nicer when we were meeting in the garage. Mmm…maybe I should dress up like a trucker or a car repairman.


	12. The Alias Hillbillies pt 22

pt. 22

(CIA Underground)

Sloane: Dix..(laughs)..Dix..(laughs). Dixon, I've heard that you've been checking up on me.

Dixon: Perhaps I have.

Sloane: Why?

Dixon: Because you're evil and you killed my wife.

Sloane: No. That's all in the past my brother. There must be something else. Wait. Oh, I get it. It's because I'm white, isn't it.

Dixon: No, not at all.

Sloane: You can just tell me. You don't like me because I'm white.

Dixon: That's not it at all.

Sloane: I know I'm pale! Alright! I've been going to the tanners, using that self tanning lotion, its just not working. Ok. I know how you feel. I can't stand to look at myself in those tennis skirts with these white little legs peeking out beneath either. It disgusts me too.

Jack: Hey Vaughn. I have something very serious to ask you.

Vaughn: Ok. Look at my Sims 2. Right now I'm having a threesome with Sydney and Nadia.

Jack: Nadia, let me see. (looks at screen) It's all blurry. Anyways, I need you to go see Sark,

Vaughn: No way. I've seen Jaws. I don't want some shark biting off my leg.

Jack: Not a shark. Sark. The guy your wife was sleeping with. He works for the Covenant.

Vaughn: Oh, that guy with the accent. (pulls out a translation book from his desk)

Jack: What's that?

Vaughn: Duh, my translation book. He's from England, how else am I going to understand what he's saying.

Jack: Ok, you need to find out information about the Covenant and some bomb their working on.

Vaughn: (furrowing his brow) Which way do I look smarter? This way.. (furrows left brow) or this way (furrows right brow)

Jack: Mmm..let me see the left one again.

(The other side of the office)

Nadia: I think it's so great we're sending out Christmas cards this year. This is my first Christmas with my family and..

Sydney: (holding two Christmas cards) Yeah, so anyways. Which card do you like better. (holds them up-one has a picture of Lauren's tombstone, the other is Lauren's tombstone but with Sydney standing next to it with a thumbs up)

Nadia: That's kind of morbid, isn't it?

Sydney: (looking at them) You're right. I should have gotten the whole office together to pose next to her tombstone, I do look silly, you know, just me giving it a thumbs up. I'll go post some flyers for the photo shoot.


	13. The Alias Hillbillies pt 23

pt.23

(CIA Prison-Vaughn is entering Sark's cell)

Vaughn: (looking around) Cool fort you have. Where do you go to the bathroom at? I don't like peeing in public.

Sark: What do you want?

Vaughn: (still looking around) Oh, yeah. Jack wanted me to tell u that your da bomb.

Sark: Well, I've never been that fond of Jack but tell him thank you.

Vaughn: (still looking around) Do they let you have nightlights in here, I don't like the dark.

Sark: No.

Vaughn: (turns to leave) Oh yeah, now I remember. Do you have a gun I could borrow?

Sark: What?

Vaughn: (looking down at the ground) Well….I kind of took Sydney's to play with since the CIA won't let me have a real gun and I kind of lost it.

Sark: How did you lose a gun?

Vaughn: It kind of got lost in the playpen at Chucky Cheese.

Sark: Why on earth would you go to Chucky Cheese?

Vaughn: Because McDonald's won't let me in their playpen.

Sark: I miss Lauren.

Vaughn: Who's Lauren? Oh, is that your btch? Or wait, are you somebody's btch? I've heard how rough prison can be.

Sark: I have a burning in my soul for her.

Vaughn: Um..dude. You might wanna get that checked out.

Sark: What?

Vaughn: I once had a rash and believe me you don't want it to spread. The doctor might have to cut off your thingy.

Sark: Please, Please get me out of here. I can't take it anymore.

Vaughn: Ok, come on. Let's go. You can stay with me. I've always wanted a roommate. But don't sit on the toilet seat, I don't wanna catch your burning.

Sark: (as there leaving) How do you feel about dress up?

(Sydney's Apartment)

Sydney: (looking around) Have you seen my gun anywhere?

Nadia: No.

Sydney: Mmm…cause I went to get it and all I found was a piece of paper with a gun drawn on it.

Nadia: (shrugs her shoulders) Did I ever tell you that I was part of an SD-6 type alliance in Argentina?

Sydney: What did I tell you about talking?  
Nadia: Oh right. I think I'm gonna take a few days off to find our mother's killer.

Sydney: Your talking again. (hears a cough from the closet-goes and opens the closet door-Weiss is standing in it) What the hell are you doing Weiss?

Weiss: Is this not the arcade? Ok, you busted me. I just came here to see Nadia.

Sydney: Your pathetic.

Weiss: At least I'm not into bondage. I saw those marks on Vaughn's back.

Sydney: (give's him a dirty look)

Weiss: Or so I've heard. I'll be going now. (stops and turns around) Would you mind walking me to my car.

Sydney: Why?

Weiss: Because I'm afraid Jack will be out there, he's been following me lately.

(CIA Undergound-Meeting Room)

Sloane: Ok, lets get started. (looks around) Anyone have anything new?

Marshall: Actually, I found came across some classified intel on server 6 and…

Sloane: That's nice. How's your baby doing.? Why don't you ever let me babysit? I'm really good with kids. I've always wanted to have a baby and then put it into show business. Those Olsen twins were just the cutest on Full House.

Vaughn: (enters-wearing a blonde wig, makeup, and a dress) Sorry I'm late.

Jack: Nobody told me is was drag queen day?

Weiss: We can't get casual Friday passed but we get drag queen day passed.

Jack: I have one of Irena's old dresses that would look fabulous on me as it accentuates my manhood.

Sloane: Do you have anything that would make my calves look slimmer?

Vaughn: Do you like my new look? Sark said it made me look pretty. But then he got mad when I couldn't talk in a British accent.

Sydney: So you saw Sark yesterday. Need he have any information?

Vaughn: I don't know. Ask him yourself. You should ask him to make you a double chocolate milkshake, those are really good. He made me one just before I got here, except then I fell asleep on the couch so be careful. I think it was all the chocolate.

Sloane: Why don't you have a seat so we can end this meeting as soon as possible.

Vaughn: No thank you. It hurts my butt when I sit down. I just woke up and it was really sore. Kind of like the time I left my G.I. Joe figures on the couch and accidently sat on them. Oh wait, I'm thinking of that time Sydney, remember, when you had the whip and you made me bend……

Sloane: Jack, did you bring the tape of Hissan's old mission for us to look over.

Jack: Yep. (plugs tape in-is a sex tape of him and Irena)

Sydney: Gross dad.

Jack: Oh, yeah. I forgot I recorded over this. (starts watching the tape) A little to the left, A little to the right. That a boy Jacky.

Vaughn: (his phone rings) Hello. Dad? Its you? I thought you were dead! Can I call you back, I'm in a meeting right now. Ok. Bye daddy. (hangs up) Shooty, I didn't get his number.

Sloane: Hold on. (leaves and then comes back in with a tape) Mine is better (is a tape of him and Irena) This might be when you were conceived Nadia.

Jack: I like that position your leg is in. How do you do that. (Him and Sloane start putting their leg up on the table so Sloane can teach him)

Weiss: So Nadia, what are you doing tonight?

Nadia: For heaven's sake Weiss. I'm a lesbian. Leave me alone.

Weiss: No way. Really? Oh my God.

Sloane: Weiss, you please come to the front to share your report.

Weiss: (looks down at his pants) Mmm..I can't right now sir. (turns to Nadia) You know, Vaughn has this Sims 2 game that we could make happen in real life.


	14. The Alias Hillbillies pt 24

pt.24

(Later on in the CIA Underground office)

Vaughn: (on the phone) I've already told you Sark. Stop calling me Lauren. My name is Vaughn. What am I wearing. Um..a dress shirt and a blazer……I took off the blonde wig cause it was itching.

Weiss: Hey buddy.

Vaughn: (hangs up) Hey buddy.

Weiss: So, honestly, do you think Nadia is in to me?

Vaughn: Huh?

Weiss: Do you think Nadia likes me?

Vaughn: I don't know.

Weiss: Well…how do I find out if she likes me? Give me some advice.

Vaughn: Ok, first of all, you'll wanna….

(Across the room)

Jack: Sydney, Sloane and I are going to be out of town for a few days.

Sydney: Ok. What are you going to be doing?

Jack: Do I pry into your business?

Sydney: Well, actually yes.

Jack: I think your boyfriend is going to electrocute himself!

Sydney: (turns around)

Jack: (runs off)

Sydney: (turns back around) Dad?

(Secret Warehouse)

Sydney: Dixon, are you sure that Sloane is up to something?

Dixon: I'm positive. He's been making contacts with the Blackwell Index.

Sydney: Finally, we have him right where we want him. Wait, my dad is going out of town with Sloane. Do you think their in on it together? (hears something)

Dixon: What's that?

(They look around-find Vaughn, Marshall, and Sark sitting at a table eating eggs and drinking tea)

(Sydney's House)

Sydney: (in her bedroom-yelling) I'm not gonna let Sark watch!

Vaughn: Oh come on. Sark is lonely. Besides, you owe me. Remember last week when you threw away my sensual message oils and broke my video camera!

Sydney: Just give him her corpse to enjoy!

Vaughn: (get's an idea and leaves)

(a little while later there's a knock at the front door)

Nadia: (answers the door) Weiss, what are you doing here?

Weiss: I just have a little surprise for you. (hands her a gift)

Nadia: Thank you. (unwraps it-it's a Spider Man poster) What the hell kind of gift is this?

Weiss: Darn it. Vaughn said this would work. Hold on…(thinking) Oh ok. Say what about dinner.

Nadia: What?

Weiss: Just say it.

Nadia: What about dinner?

Weiss: We can always reheat.

Nadia: (stares at him-slams the door shut)

Weiss: (kicks the door) Way to go Weiss. You totally blew it. Vaughn specifically told you to get her drunk first before using the reheat line. (slaps himself) Stupid.

Jack: (appears from behind the bushes) You're clearly a beginner.

Weiss: (jumps) Holy, when did you get here?

Jack: I have my ways and remember, I'm always watching you.

Sydney: (hollering) Dad, did you finish trimming the bushes?

Jack: Yes honey.


	15. The Alias Hillbillies pt25

pt.25

(The next day-Sydney and Dixon are following Jack and Sloane)

Sydney: What would they be doing at a music store?

Dixon: You know that now a days all the risky business goes on in public places.

(they run into the store-see Sloane and Jack standing in a line)

Dixon: What's going on here?

Sloane: We're waiting to get Ashlee Simpson's autograph.

Jack: (hiding under his coat)

Sydney: Dad? What are you doing?

Jack: All right. I'll admit it. I've been in the closet about this for months. I'm an Ashlee Simpson fan.

Dixon: What about that cd we stole?

Sloane: You mean this one? (pulls a cd out of his coat) Oh, this is just a special edition of Ashlee's album. It has cool bonus features on it.

Dixon: You've got to be kidding me.

Sloane: No really. It's Ashlee Simpson. Beyonce is at the other music store but I don't like her that much.

Dixon: I give up. (walking away-talking to himself) Why in the world did I give up being the head of the CIA?

(CIA Morgue)

Vaughn: (prying open the drawer containing Lauren's corpse) Ok…and its open. Have fun.

Sark: Thank you. (looks at the body) Gross, she's got bullet holes all in her and she's..purple.

Vaughn: Cool, let me see.

Sark: I haven't seen her this roughed up since that time we experimented with bondage.

(still looking) Although that is a beautiful necklace she's wearing. (steals if off her body) Did you kill Lauren?

Vaughn: Who?

Sark: Oh, nevermind. I want you to look at what you've done.

Vaughn: (looks at his pants) Hey, I'm dry! You tricked me.

Sark: Look at what you've done.

Vaughn: (pulls out a picture of Sydney)

Sark: What's that?

Vaughn: You said take a look at who I've done.

(CIA Underground)

Sloane: Agent Vaughn, Agent Bristow…

Vaughn: Here.

Sydney: Yes Sloane?

Sloane: Oh, that's all. I just like saying the word agent. Has anyone caught the new Newlyweds yet? I wonder what diet Jessica is using.

Jack: Sydney, Vaughn, you'll both be going undercover to meet Rick Yune.

Marshall: And I'm in charge of disguises. (pulls some costumes out)

Vaughn: I don't wanna wear glasses. I'll look like Steve Urkel.

Marshall: You'll have to wear something!

Vaughn: You mean I can go naked?

Jack: Come on, we don't want to make the train passengers laugh.

Vaughn: Like father, like son!

Sloane: (stunned) How the hell did he get that joke? We could put him on Jeopardy. He could make us millionaires! (starts making some phone calls)

(A day later)

Vaughn: (sitting at table on train-wearing colored 3-d glasses)

Weiss: (thru earpiece) Our suspect is arriving.

Vaughn: Where?

Weiss: Here

Vaughn: Nu-uh. Its some half red, half blue dude. You said our guy was white.

Weiss: Take off the glasses!

Vaughn: Then he'll totally recognize me and our cover will be blown.


	16. The Alias Hillbillies pt 26

pt.26

(on the other side of the train-Sydney is in the professor's room)

Sydney: (standing in sexy lingerie) Is it hot in here? I might have to take some layers off.

Professor: (not noticing her) You can turn the thermostat down if you'd like.

Sydney: (rolls her eyes-start undressing herself)

Professor: Would you mind doing that in the bathroom. (starts playing 'I Will Survive' on his laptop and sings along)

Sydney:(goes to bathroom-talks thru earpiece) We have a problem.

Weiss: What?

Sydney: This guy is totally gay. So unless I grow a thingy we're not gonna get the code.

Weiss: (rubs his face) Ok. Ok. Wait, I have a plan.

Sydney: (meets Weiss in the hallway) What's this?

Weiss: (holding Sark) Give him your lingerie.

Sark: Oh boy. That looks like fabulous material. And I just acquired a necklace that would look stunning with that ensemble.

(Vaughn comes running down the hallway with two big heavy guys chasing him-stops when he gets to Sydney)

Vaughn: (still wearing 3D glasses) Sydney, we have a problem. (one of the guys starts to hit Vaughn) Cool. Its like your fist is coming right at me. Owww!

(Angola)

Jack: I'm here to see Sasha.

Soldier: Ok. (grabs him)

Jack: Hey now, let go. You're wrinkling my outfit.

Soldier: (leads Jack to Sasha's place)

Jack: Thank you kind sir (tips him a dollar)

Soldier: (walking away) Cheap bstard.

Sasha: Jacky, my boy. What a surprise.

Jack: Sasha, so nice to see you.

Sasha: Oh, the old days are coming back to me. Tee-peeing Sloane's house, taking little Sydney to the shooting range instead of the zoo, that night I spent with Irena…

Jack: What?

Sasha: Uh, nothing. I'd like to introduce you to my wife.

Jack: Well hello there gorgeous (kisses her hand)

Sasha: Jack, lets go to my office.

Jack: Ok (walks away-turns back and winks at Sasha's wife)

(In his office)

Sasha: So Jack, what can I do for you?

Jack: I bet your wife is an animal in bed.

Sasha: Excuse me?

Jack: (suddenly remembers) Oh right, uh could you turn around.

Sasha: Ok. (turns around)

Jack: (chokes him from behind and then leaves office)

Guard: Is everything alright?

Jack: Ah yes, Sasha said he wants to be left alone and to have his wife meet me in the bedroom wearing something silky.

Guard: (shrugs) Ok.

(CIA underground)

Jack: (carving a notch into his desk)

Sydney: Hey dad.

Jack: Hey.

Sydney: What are you doing tonight?

Jack: I'll probably get some dinner and then head on home.

Sydney: You know I'm kind of hungry myself.

Jack: Say no more (reaches into pocket and pulls out his wallet) Here's some money for the vending machine. Later kid. (walks off)


	17. The Alias Hillbillies pt 27

pt.27

(the other side of the CIA Underground building)

Sloane: I don't care about your stupid vending machines.

Vaughn: Hey, all I'm asking for is to have a better selection. Like getting some of those Scooby Doo snacks.

Sloane: Scooby doo, I love that cartoon. I'll talk to my people about it first thing tomorrow. Hey Sydney! (walks over to her)

Sydney: What do you want?  
Sloane: Jennifer Aniston. (starts laughing) No, just kidding. I've been watching my Friends dvds. Anyways, you need to track down Anna Espinosa.

Sydney: Ok. Am I suppose to go undercover, surveillance her,…

Sloane: (staring at her) I don't know. Hey, you wanna check out the Blooper's real on my dvd?

(The next day at the office)

Vaughn: (looking over journal)

Sydney: Have you found out anything about your dad yet?

Vaughn: Not yet.

Sydney: Here, I was able to get his file from the CIA. (hands it to him)

Vaughn: Really? Cool. (looks it over) This is a piece of paper with Bill Vaughn written at the top and a smiley face drawn where his picture would be…This is gonna help so much! Thank you! Oh my God. I don't know where to begin. I guess I should photocopy this picture and see if anyone recognizes my dad. This is so great! How were you able to get this?

Sydney: (rolls her eyes) It's suppose to be a joke.

Vaughn: (thinking) I don't get it. Jokes have never been your strong suit. (looking at the pic) Hey, this looks a lot like the picture of your dad from the file I gave you. (looks at Jack across the office) Daddy?

(Hospital)

Nadia: (lying in bed in a coma with everyone from the office surrounding her)

Sloane: I just don't get how this could happen. She's my baby.

Weiss: (lying on top of her-crying hysterically) I love you so much! Please don't leave me! Not yet. It's not your time……

Vaughn: (stomach growls) What? I'm hungry.

Jack: I'm kind of in the mood for pizza.

Sloane: Oh, I have coupons!

Weiss: Pizza? Did someone say pizza?

Sydney: Actually, I think I'll go work out.

Jack: Who likes mushrooms?

Vaughn: Gross.

Sloane: How about extra cheese.

Weiss: Don't forget the breadsticks!

(They all start to leave-Nadia's machines start beeping)

Sloane: (looks) Oh, she'll be ok. (while leaving) Now what's everyone's position on flavored crust?


	18. The Alias Hillbillies pt 28

pt. 28

(CIA Underground-Meeting room)

Sloane: Good news Sydney, Nadia is coming home from the hospital today.

Sydney: Crap. I..mean..yay!

Sloane: Apparently we haven't been keeping up on missions or some bull like that so Sydney you're to go to Salzburg.

Sydney: What for?

Sloane: Go sit out on the beach, have a drink, whatever. Just as long as it looks like we're sending you places. Bring back some shampoo from the hotel, we'll say its Rambaldi juice or something. In the meantime, I told Dixon to keep Director Chase busy so she wouldn't be prying into our business.

Marshall: Actually, in Salzburg, they're developing a biometric scan that is located in a small helicopter.

Sloane: Cool.

Jack: (snoring)

Sloane: Jack!

Jack:(jerks awake) What? What?

Sloane: Wild night last night big fella?

Jack: (rubbing his eyes) No, I didn't get much sleep last night. (Stares at Vaughn) Someone kept calling me in the middle of the night worried that there were monsters under his bed.

Vaughn: How was I suppose to know it was only Weiss hiding under my bed.

Jack: I'm not your father!

Vaughn: Photos don't lie. Hey, Daddy, can I have Sark spend the night?

Jack: I don't care.

Marshall: Ok Sydney. I was able to locate a picture of what the helicopter might look like. (puts picture on screen)

Vaughn: Hey Dad, can I get my own evil helicopter for Christmas?

Jack: I'll tell you what, as soon as the CIA gives you your own gun, I'll get you your very own helicopter.

Vaughn: (starts to say something)

Jack: And no! Squirt guns don't count.

Vaughn: Shoot.

(Salzburg-the factory where the helicopter is at)

Sydney: (standing in front of the helicopter) Oh no! It's activated.

Sam: What's that mean?

Sydney: (starts running away as the helicopter begins shooting at her)

Sam: (thinks for a minute-grabs the helicopter and removes the batteries causing the helicopter to stop)

Sydney: (stops running) Holy sht. What'd made you think to do that?

Sam: (shrugs) I don't know.

Sydney: Wow, I am so turned on by how brilliant you are. I've never had a boyfriend with your intellectual capacity. (starts flirting)

Sam: (looks around) Uh..yeah. So can I go back to my job as being a waiter and getting drunk on the weekends?

Sydney: (still amazed) You're like Einstein.

(Marshall's office)

Marshall: (showing Mitchell walking on the moon) Isn't he cute. I could just eat his leg off.

Sydney: Keep him away from Sloane or your baby will end up with its limbs scattered across the country. Well, gotta go! (turns around and leaves)

Marshall: Cuckoo. (looks out the doorway) Hey Vaughn, come here! Take a look at this.

Vaughn: (walks in-Marshall shows him his movie)

Marshall: Isn't he just the cutest. I could just eat his leg.

Vaughn: Sick dude! What is he walking on?

Marshall: Oh, Mitchell is walking on the moon.

Vaughn: (shocked-yells out the doorway) Marshall's son has landed on the moon!


	19. The Alias Hillbillies pt 29

pt. 29

(Sydney's house-her and Vaughn are in bed)

Vaughn: (gets out of bed to get a shirt out of his backpack)

Sydney: You know you don't have to bring that backpack over anymore.

Vaughn: Then what am I suppose to carry my clothes in?

Sydney: No, I mean you can have one of my drawers.

Vaughn: Cool, thanks. (rummages thru his backpack) And you can have this. (hands her whipped cream and chocolate syrup)

Sydney: What's this for?

Vaughn: (points to himself)

Nadia: (comes into the bedroom) What the hell happened to my room?

Sydney: What do you mean?

Nadia: All my stuff is gone! Its nothing but exercise equipment!

Sydney: (shrugs)

(CIA Office)

Vaughn: (at his desk)

Weiss: Hey dude. What's up?

Vaughn: Nothin much.

Weiss: (notices a big dresser drawer sitting on Vaughn's desk) What's that?

Vaughn: (looks) Oh, Sydney said I could have it. I don't know what to do with it though. I was thinking maybe using it as a sled but then I'd have to make some snow.

Weiss: Cool. Hey, I found some information on those journals you found.

Vaughn: Really?

Weiss: No, actually I was looking up porn.

Vaughn: That's ok. I threw those journals away the other day.

(Later on that day-CIA Office)

Jack: (sitting at his desk)

Vaughn: (comes up behind up-singing) "We are family, I've all got my sisters with me. We are family, get up everybody and…

Jack: Will you shut up! Hey, you know Nadia's birthday is coming up.

Vaughn: Yes papa?

Jack: (annoyed) What..do you think Nadia would like as a gift? Wait, what in the hell am I doing. Stop hanging around me!

Vaughn: Wait Papa. I made you a picture (pulls it out) See, it's a drawing of you, me, Syd, and Nadia at a family reunion. Look, I even gave you the biggest gun!

Jack: I do like how you drew Irena's head dangling from the tree branch. Except I don't really approve of the way you drew Sydney. (Sydney is on her knees in front of Vaughn and all you can see is the back of her head)

Vaughn: Haven't you ever heard of brotherly love?

Jack: (bangs his head on the table)

(Other side of the office)

Sydney: (reading the classifieds in the newspaper aloud) For adoption, a 35 yr old white male for $39.95. 30 yr old British male included for free. No refunds. (looks across the office) Dad!

Jack: What?

Sydney: (motioning towards the newspaper)

Jack: Are you interested, I only accept cash.

Sydney: No! (keeps reading) Will throw in chubby friend and manly girlfriend in exchange for a really hot girl or nuclear weapons. (looks up) Dad!

Jack: That last part was all Sloane's idea.

Vaughn: Dad!

Jack: What?

Vaughn. Nothing. I just didn't wanna be left out of all the yelling. Well, I gotta go do my business now. (grabs a newspaper and heads to the bathroom)


	20. The Aliash Hillbillies pt 30

pt. 30

(CIA Meeting room)

Weiss: (looks at Sydney) Sydney, what happened to your neck?

Sydney: (brushes her hair back-reveals two bite holes)

Sloane: Did Jason Cahill do that to you? I knew I should have gotten Buffy. Or even those Charmed girls.

Sydney: No Vaughn did this to me. He thought it would be sexy.

Vaughn: Hey, it was sexy. Until all your blood got into my mouth.

Jack: (starts laughing)

Sydney: What?

Jack: You sure do know how to pick em.

Sydney: Excuse me. Ok, Mr. I married a double agent and was then attracted to Francie who ended up evil as well.

Jack: Hey! Francie was cute, and I liked her before she got all evil.

Sloane: (shakes his head) That P.M.S., really is an awful thing, isn't it? Can make even the most alluring woman turn into Satan's side kick. I really need to stop watching Dr. Phil.

Weiss: (whispering to Vaughn) Do you think Nadia would like a little love bite like that?

(Sydney's apartment)

Sydney: (taking her temperature while looking at the bite marks in the side of her neck)

Vaughn: Hey, how come you never wear sexy lingerie for me like you wear for those foreign guys all the time? (walks in) What are you doing? (sees Sydney holding the thermometer) Oh no! Is that a pregnancy test? You have been looking kind of chubby lately.

Sydney: I'm taking my temperature.

Vaughn: That's not how you use a pregnancy test. Your suppose to pee on it. Like this! (takes thermometer and pees on it and hands it back to Syd)

Sydney: Gross, and I'm not pregnant!

Vaughn: (gasps) The baby's not mine! (grabs his things) I'm keeping the drawer! (stomps off-turns back around) And the whipped cream! (grabs it and leaves)

(Sloane's House-Nadia's birthday-their all eating dinner)

Sloane: And happy birthday Nadia. I can't believe that my little girl is now..uh..twenty..five…twenty six. Oh, who knows. (having a hard time picking up mac and cheese) You know, someone should invent a multi-task utensil.

Weiss: Like what?

Sloane: I don't know, like a knife and fork, a knife and spoon or a fork and spoon. A spork! It could be called a spork! That's sounds cool. Doesn't it?

Jack: That'll never work.

Nadia: Thank you Dad, for the new clothes.

Sloane: Well, I know how you lesbians like your flannel.

Jack: Hold on. I almost forgot about my present. (leaves the room)

Sloane: Weiss, what are your intentions with my daughter?

Weiss: What do you mean?

Sloane: Well what do you plan on doing with her?

Weiss: (whispering) I have condoms, if that's what you mean.

Sloane: No, I mean do you plan on marrying her?

Nadia: Dad, I'm a lesbian.

Sloane: No your not. Its just a little phase your going through. Anyways, Weiss, are you gonna marry her?

Weiss: Well, I don't know.

Sloane: Please say you will. I have a ring all picked out. Please. You don't know what its like to have someone constantly mooch of you. I was able to push her off on to Sydney but I just can't do that to Sydney any longer. I'm not that cruel.

Sydney: Thank you Sloane. Come on Weiss. Marry the wannabe carpet muncher!

Nadia: I'm not a wannabe!

Sydney: What about that toy I found in your nightstand?

Nadia: That you have yet to give back to me!

Sydney: (slouches down)

(the lights dim-the chef wheels out a giant birthday cake-Jack jumps out wearing nothing but a speedo)

Jack: Happy Birthday Nadia. Would you like some dessert?

Weiss: Hey! (stands up) That was totally my idea! You stole it!

Jack: Was not!

Weiss: Was too. And that's my speedo!

Jack: No its not!

Weiss: Yes it is. There the ones I stole from Vaughn!

Jack: Well that would explain the 'Sark, exit only' on the butt.

Weiss: Give it back!

Jack: Ok. (starts to take them off)

Sloane: Oh Jack. Stop that. Even I'm not drunk enough to see that. (dinner timer goes off) Ok, everyone out of the house. Out of the house. Desperate Housewives is on. Get going. Out, out!


	21. The Alias Hillbillies pt 31

pt.31

(CIA Underground)

Vaughn: (rubbing his stomach)

Weiss: What's wrong?

Vaughn: My stomach doesn't feel good. (begins eating Ice Cream with Scooby doo snacks on top)

Weiss: What are you eating? Its like your pregnant or something. (walks off)

Vaughn: (stops eating) Oh no! Sydney! Sydney! (runs over to her)

Sydney: Yeah

Vaughn: The baby is mine! (hugs her) I think I felt it kick (puts her hand on his stomach)

Sydney: Usually when 'it' kicks, you put my hand lower.

Vaughn: I'm with child. We can't have sex. It might hurt the baby. What kind of mother are you? (storms off)

Sydney: What?

(CIA Underground-Meeting Room)

Sloane: Ok everybody, I have a big, big, big announcement to make! Huge! Enormous!

Jack: (smiling) Ok Sloane, you can stop describing me now.

Sloane: (coughs) Irena said I was bigger.

Jack: What was that?

Sloane: Nothing. Anyways, time for the big big news. As you know, I've recently acquired the Austin Powers set on DVD, and..Oh, I just can't wait any longer! I would like to present, my own mini me. (motions towards the side of the room)

Mini me: (enters-looks exactly like Hugh Grant)

Everyone: (looking around)

Vaughn: Cool! I want my own mini me. Hey Weiss, (looks at him for a minute) You wanna be my massive me?

Weiss: (shrugs) Ok.

Sydney: This thing looks nothing like you.

Sloane: Of course it does, it's just a younger version of me but all the features are identical. You have the bulging muscles, the chiseled good looks, the thick hair. It looks just like me!

Jack: Does it speak?

Sloane: It did but it wouldn't shut up during Gilmore Girls last night so I removed its voice box. Anyways Syd, I'm out of Cuban cigars so you'll need to get me some while your picking up some hard drive from some bad guy.

(CIA Underground-later that day)

Vaughn: Hey Weiss, what happened to your face?

Weiss: (his face is black and blue) I tried giving Nadia a love bite.

Vaughn: (his phone rings) Hello.

Sydney: Hey Vaughn. You'll never believe how hard it is to dance the samba in three inch heels.

Vaughn: You'll never believe how hard I am right now thinking about you dancing the samba in three inch heels.

Sydney: How come we never go dancing anymore?

Vaughn: You mean 'horizontal dancing'?

Sydney: No, dancing dancing.

Vaughn: Because you don't ever let me lead.

Sydney: That's because you suck at dancing.

Vaughn: (starts crying)

Sydney: Are you crying?

Vaughn: I'm not crying over what you said, just how you said it. I'm very emotional right now.


	22. The Alias Hillbillies pt 32

pt. 32

(CIA Underground)

Dixon: Where's Sydney at?

Jack: I don't know. Why are you asking me?

Sloane: (walks over to them) We've just received word that Sydney has been kidnapped in Cuba.

Dixon: We have to go rescue her.

Sloane: Actually, we can't right now. We're sort of under a lock down.

Jack: What? I have reservations at Hooters in an hour!

Sloane: Well, you see,…..my mini me kind of got an attitude earlier…and sort of went all evil on my as and locked us all in here. But we should be out of here in no time. Besides, I've sent Marshall to go save Sydney.

(Later that day…)

Vaughn: (phone rings) Agent Vaughn,

Marshall: Hey Vaughn, its Marshall.

Vaughn: Hey. (hangs up) (phone rings again) Agent Vaughn.

Marshall: Why did you hang up on me?

Vaughn: I thought you were done talking.

Marshall: Ok, nevermind. I need you to go to my computer. And don't hang up on me!

Vaughn: Geez, you don't have to be rude. (walks over to Marshall's computer)

Marshall: Ok, go to the main menu, there's an automatic prompt and you need type in c/fiskd/jsdfidie/dsod and then find the heat satellite and type d/sdfjdi.fdifk.eidk and turn the radioactive frequency on.

Vaughn: (listening while looking around the computer) Where's the on button at? I think your computer is broken. Hey, how were you able to get your son to walk on the moon? I wanna sign my kid up for that.

Marshall: Do you have the satellite feed up?

Vaughn: (staring at a blank computer screen-looks around) Yep. (pulls out some snacks and starts eating) So what's it like in Cuba. Do you think Sydney would be mad if my baby was a girl and I named it Lauren? Oooh, I could if it a cool name like J-Lo, but it could be like M-Va. I don't like the name Ben though, I hate people named Ben.

Marshall: (frustrated) Which coffin is displaying heat?

Vaughn: (looks around ) Um..the 69th one. (laughs)

Marshall: There's only 8 fresh grave plots!

Vaughn: Ok, then the 8th one.

Marshall: Are you sure.

Vaughn: As positive as the pregnancy test I took.

Marshall: Want?

Vaughn: Yeah, the little read bar moved when I peed on it.

(CIA Undergound-Meeting Room)

Sloane: So…..anyone have anything to report? Um…(looks around) Where's Vaughn?

Jack: He made himself pass out by practicing Lamaze breathing.

Sloane: Why was he doing that?

Jack: Beats the hell out of me.

Sydney: Vaughn and I have information on his dad. We need to go to Munich and require a hard drive. But it has to be top secret. Agreed?

Jack: Ok.

Sloane: Ok. (gets on loud speaker) I need a price check on two airline tickets to Munich. I repeat, I need a price check for two airline tickets to Munich for..Mydney and Saughn.

Jack: (checking his email) I can't believe all the junk mail I get. New cure for radioactivity disease, only $19.95. Like I'll ever be needing that. (deletes it) Oohh, increase a full cup size. Oh wait, it increases your chest size.

Sloane: Hey, forward that to Sydney.

Sydney: What?

Sloane: What? Our budget is tight and we can't keep affording to pay extra for those push up bras with the extra padding.


End file.
